How to name something.

The word sausage workshop edition.

Sometimes people pay me to come up with names for things. I’ve named heaps of things… streets, paint colours, companies, donut flavours, servo coffees, shops, records, songs, magazines, events, brands, taps, and a bunch of other things I can’t remember.

It’s really hard.

You’d know this if you’ve named a human (the hardest naming brief of all).

I look up “naming” in my emails and there’s so many hours of pain.

Here’s the thing I learned years ago, you can spend 40 hours trying to come up with a name for a shop and then they end up naming it after their dog.

Or even worse, they name it after the number in their address.

So what I do now is that, rather than coming up with a name for someone, time and frustration is better spent if I coach them into coming up with a name themselves.

Let’s do that now.

In the time it takes me to write this week’s edition, I’ll show you how the word salami is made. I’ll come up with names for a shop, a colour, a band, a podcast and a footballer. We’ll go through the whole process and see what happens at the end of it.

This better work.

Some salami I bought at the Adelaide Market last week. Only $49 a kilo. Truffle squid ink salami is over twice that price in some places in Melbourne.

What will we name my new shop?

In pretend Nightwatchman world, I’m opening up a shop. I’m going to sell books, records, underpants, nice shoes and equipment for when you want to do something illegal at someone who’s annoyed you for some reason.

First thing to coming up with a good name for something is to find something you like, look at what they did and see if you can better it.

My three favourite shops that I can think of right now at 12:29am are Jaycar, Au Go Go (a record shop from the past), and 826 Valencia (a pirate supplies shop in San Fransisco).

What do I get from these? The word, Jaycar means nothing to me. It’s like someone called Jay sells car stuff. Dunno. Au Go Go is cool. Sounds like a dance. It’s probably a dance. Hold on, wasn’t there a club called the Whisky Au Go Go? Sounds like a cool place to dance. I dig it. 826 Valencia? It’s the actual address. Quite a disappointment for one of the most magical places I’ve ever been in.

Next, you gotta work out what you want from the name.

What do you want it to do? Does it need to be practical like The Everything Shop? Special to you? Glenn’s Everything Shop? Something about the customer? Your Everything Shop? Something totally random? Smiggle? Doh, that’s already taken.

I’m going to go for an Au Go Go vibe. Bit strange. Kind of cool. Maybe a reference that only a couple of you get.

Here’s a bunch.

Our Favourite Shop. It’s Raining Glenn. Twaddle. Aid & Abet. Get a Shop Up Ya. The Muck Hole. Pretentiouz, Forgotten Banana. Supply and Remand. General Sore. Silly. Oogum Boogum. These Four Walls. I’m Undecided. Iceblink Luck. Felt.

Let’s name a colour.

All I've ever wanted to do in the work I do is to name a colour. But when I finally got to name some colours for a paint brand, I did such an average job at it, I can’t remember what I came up with.

Let’s do better this time. In the one flash at google I had, I couldn’t see if anyone has named this colour.

Like the shop, you can go practical, descriptive, a bit weird or off yer tree. And the more options you go with, the better. Let’s get straight into it. I’ll come up with 25 real quick.

One Thirty Poo. Accidental Thought. Follow Through. Babytitus. Autumn Sh1t. Dookie. Sluft. Bevan. Old Marigold. Old Pluck. I’m Not Eating That. Smellow. Brownygreenish. Smell My Finger. Leaf Rot. Smluge. Bedwetting Indie Neo Folk 2005 - 2006. Carnal Foliage. You Drive, I’ll Roll a Joint. Uncle Buckwheat. Don’t Open That. Troublesome Lichen. Gavin. Alarming Seepage. Warrnambool Scrub.

Name this band.

Here’s a few names I’ve prepared earlier.

Dinosaur Machine, The Watched Pots, Bad Band. Hair Supply, Last Minute and the Gift Ideas, Cousin Sh1t. The No Follower Eggs. The Velvet Undergrads. The Dum Dums. Doyle Grope Probe. Goat Argument. Pretentiouz, Emporium, MCG5. Fleetwood iMac. Hamfist. Bevel. Benny and the Vets. Dim Simple Minds. And and the Ampersands. Emporium. Fart, the Musical.

A great new podcast and a bunch of average fake ones that I’ll make up now.

Podcast names seem to be quite conventional, that is they do what it says on the box. Part of the reason is that they have to be easy to search for. The Daily, The Rest is Politics, The Old Fools, Ingredipedia, The Footy, Pie Hard… all these are in my podcast app. I don’t need to tell you what they’re about. You know by reading them.

Bang On fans, Myf has a podcast! It’s got a great name… The Moment. Here is the link. And here is the YouTube link to watch it.

It’s on three times a week and it’s about the cultural moments that have just happened. It’s a lot like Bang On, a podcast a lot of us miss, and I love it already. So great to have her guiding us through the world of stuff again.

Back to naming stuff.

Let’s come up with a name for the Nightwatchman podcast that, I promise, I will never make. I’d say the podcast would be exactly what you’re reading now. It’s getting late so I’ll come up with only ten options.

The Nightwatchman Daily Nighttime Podcast (NWDNP). Sleepy Time with The Nightwatchman. It’s Raining Glenn (I know, that was also a shop name option). The Tuck In. Twaddle. This American Life. Popcorn Brain. Dancing With Myself. Hot Pies, Cold Drinks.

Tonight’s final naming brief: Name this footballer.

Footballers’ names are unreal. Don’t know why, but they just are.

I know this bloke’s real name but let’s make up some new ones. It’s 3am so I’ve got time to make up a team of 22.

Ryan Pants. Kean Keane. Steve Shawshank. Ethan Daneson. Daiynne Phillips. Des Wilson. Jeremy “Chilli Ball” Clayden. Xayvya Herbert. Tank Dummett. Hugh Ditchburn-Smith. John Cox. Harry Penis. Terry Clark. Beejay Smith. Brock Johnson. Bylan Davis. Harisyn Lovell. Keith West. Bobby Bird. Bill “The Stoner” Stoner. Alan.

One last thing: My horrific talkback points loss.

Remember a few weeks ago I talked about the sending texts to the radio game? Well, this morning, I sent this text to 774.

Great.

Then I get the call from the radio station. They want me to say that on air.

Awesome! That’s about the best points you can get. I think it’s 100 points. I said yes, held the line and got on air.

It was a disaster.

I was a blubbering, stumbling mess — all those points lost through embarrassment.

I’m not just saying that.

Have a listen for yourself.

Unbelievable that I’m even sharing this with youse.

And half an hour later they put me saying “incremental steps” on the ad of talkback highlights they make every day.

God, I just listened to it again.

I sound like I’m having a stroke.